Wednesday, October 5, 2022

often I feel be the numen of my window

get me a stage and burn me at stake

but wait, can I tear myself apart

one last time, you arrive, in your flesh and bones

still looking the same to me

I take a walk with you to the end of the road

in the garden of words and flowers of rhythm 

get on this rollercoaster, a journey of a lifetime

but the ashes and raindrops still look the same

sorrow looks in my eye and laughs

a mean laugh

sorrow takes over my mind

like an easy target

suddenly I don't remember you

I sit alone,

inanimate, yet bold;

ankle-deep in agony

suddenly

I don't remember you

but I still write about you

about your holy love

if I am a museum 

you are the Corinthian columns 

you are the artwork

and the great silence

the gentle whisper

suddenly

I don't remember you.


the girl in the white dress 

looks at me

 and I die a little 

she plays with her fingers 

tapping on mine. 

if I knew music 

I would've taken down the notes 

the girl in the white dress 

looks as clean as blood 

on my face when I cry 

she dances around like 

it's my funeral in her mind 

I wait for her, exhausted 

weary, out of breath. 

the girl in the white dress 

ruins my world 

and I'm standing afar 

watching it burn happily, 

in the hands of her

now take me home 

to the end of the world.




Tuesday, October 4, 2022

of poets and paradise

there is a window in your eyes 
where I am locked up 
bathing in the gentle flow of the tears 
every night when silence takes over 
I hear you calling out my name 
I hear the words you don't utter 
and the songs that you don't play 
you touch me like you are turning a page 
of the book laid out, chapters of shame and fear 
and I will adore you still, till death takes over 

i stand in the cold 
reading the autumn's ode 
another spiteful day passes away 
and we talk 
our incredibly intellectually stimulating conversations 
your Alex Turner-esque face 
the fucking gluten-intake
the insignificant yet somehow intense moments 
of today 
and yesterday 
and tomorrow.


the night i fell like rain on your face

we had a house of the giggling crying, and the shouting lot
the coarse cuss and voices following our footsteps, 
strolling through the high, droplets on your face. 
why do you keep asking me to slow down my pace? 

the tether, the feather, and the familiar faces of a couple hundred 
could not stop me from defying the gravity in my mind. 
we lie, soaked in thoughts and the deal of the day 
ask your dreary questions, but I beg you to pave the way. 

you put our arms above your head, the air sighs out loud 
and I feel myself vaporize away, under your drowsy breath. 
there was something about that night I fell like rain 
onto your lap, the night I saw my sanity get slain. 

I put half of myself on the platter, served with ice and tonic, 
and you, lying on the shelf, gave me your most certain dubious look, 
your stoic smile piercing through the end in an unexpected wave. 
how can I ignore your gentle eyes who beg me not to behave? 

three twenty-nine lines of a lover's complaint cannot undo my grief 
nor the fingertips wandering on my skin, all through the ride. 
give me a stage, and I will give you a hundred poems to your name. 
but in the meantime, just hand me some antiseptic for the maim. 

the rain is a vagrant who stops for a moment on your face, adoring; 
yet another cigarette, exhausting ages in a matter of a minute. 
there was something about that night I fell like rain, 
your wandering hand on my chest and the drugs in my brain. 

It's the artifice of the hour, so temporary, like you and me 
waiting for you, and the tree of fruits and green and branches. 
hot wet blood on my face, yours adorned with the warm calm rain 
I know when you leave, I'll be left graceless, sick, and insane. 

the preliminary kisses and cream, all the shine all the rust 
that's gathered on the inside, tell me all the things you wanna do. 
all solemn and sincere, we lie on the table and make things up 
focused on fiction, we surrender to the grief that's stored in the cup. 

now it's been a year or two, maybe three; let's say four, for sure 
the temper like a permanent scar around my neck couldn't explain 
exactly what it was about the night I fell like rain 
i swear I'll jump off as soon as i see the moon wain

Saturday, April 18, 2020

collapsed faith


The heart hung
On the wall
It slowly chipped out
Day, by day
Tormented,
Exhausted,
The heart cried out
Moss ate through the heart
Like the rust
That eats away the metal
No one notices
The pain
The remorse
The excruciating agony
Running
Through the veins
Just like
The poison
Running through
The blood
The spasming heart
Is waiting
To burst
Then maybe⁢
It will become
Painless
Painless
Painless

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

cellotaped heart

The sky is crying
And I
Am holding your hand
Walking miles
I am crushed
By remorse
And cant even
Hold the umbrella up
And I let it go
The yellow umbrella
Danced,
Flew away
Along the street
You smile
At me
Rain drenched us
To the core
And we stood still
With our
Bare, naked souls
To the show
Teary eyes met
And I fell
In love

Like the falling rain.


come back, ashitaka

I paint a picture of you with my fantasies
Your indistinguishable face, 
I can find you in the crowd 
Words make it from your lips onto mine
As you never look into my eyes 
Forgetting all the days we seemed fine
Ive never waited neither will i 
Hope to hold your hands by the next spring
Remember the rain drenching your morbid mind 
Remember the words of the track
"And I'd give up forever to touch you"
You sing the song of despair
Incapable of feeling the words 
Funny how you leave me the same as you
This vicious cycle of the heartbroken
Welcoming me to be one of them
The hollowed out skin and bones
Leaving behind the distractions they call out for
Feelings that haunt us in our sleep
Yet again i paint a picture of you
Struggling to capture your ragged beauty
That catches my eye everytime
I'll never miss out on the details
Of your eyes, guileless onyx
And the wind playing with your hair
I paint you with all the life that's left 
I paint you with all the love that's gone

Monday, April 13, 2020

my lazuras

It stays put in my mind
And the pills and smoke 
Filling the gap
It stays abate
And i know what will happen
A loser
 A faliure
A waste of God's creation
Sleep
Them men
Them nails
Sticking out of my body
Eats out my aid to myself
Look at me
Browse through 
Tell me your findings 
Let me know
What im made of
Today
I dont see the Moon anymore
Nor the sun shines on my face
I die
All through the day
I die
When i look at the night sky
I die
Nine times
Save me LaZuRuS
For im at my ninth time
The cat is dead
And so am i

Sunday, April 12, 2020

jigsaw

He was never really there
You know just like the sorrys
And the 52 missed calls that hung like tapestry
And his rebukes like a noose disguised as necklace
The drinks got stronger and I got weaker
And I'll listen to Cigarettes after Sex crying
To Each time you fall in love
Because the flashbacks never stop haunting
Where we're sitting on the rooftop
2 a.m., higher than the our ego
Floating in the delusion of my favourite mistake
Got drunk and got naked infront of you
But you never broke down, telling me how you really feel 
Now I'm afraid of your face and it's lines
And the language of your eyes that talk to me
We were like the bitter truth and bad timing 
I screamed out loud when your head was in the water
Getting away from the pain they gave you
That's pain you know
You never get rid of pain, you just pass it on
Now I making memories with others and suffering
Looking for pieces of you  everywhere, all the time
Like those of a puzzle, yet to complete


SS

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

lies and butterflies

Sometimes you need not
be honest.
Sometimes break my heart 
Feed me the lie.
Make me sad
Ive got no where to go.
Youre my home.
I'll be happy with the broken promises
I'll be satisfied with my momentary happiness
I'll try 
To be happy
I'll try to make you happy. 
Sometimes you can just make me a bit happy
Show a little effort
Look into the eyes.
The dull eyes searching
For food for the soul
Look into
Look
Look into
Look into the mind
Mind that's not Plath
Nor old Hemmingway 
It's me calling you out
Failing to live
Its me
 

Saturday, April 4, 2020

psychedelic rock and a thirst that comes and goes.

Kothay chilo gohon praan e
Gopon byatha gopon gaan e
This line keeps coming back to my  mind on its own. Maybe  some ages ago i had some bond with this song.   
Koto he gopon gaan...eto gaan shuniyechi tomay, mone pore....  
Ekhon  kaan e purple haze cholche ebong ami onnoi ek jogote. Kirom ekta anubhuti, jeno shob thik hoye geche...koi pandemic, koi amar retest, kothay depression and the pain that comes with  the the frequent thoughts of hurting myself. Barite bole negativity komao. Ami boli anay banchte dao. Ki dosh korechi shokol e ja kore tai korechi....

Mone pore gelo tar callertune chilo hendrix er voodoo child. Sheo chole gelo. Nijer jonno ki kore bancho ektu bole din toh. Koto smriti r bhaar e chapa pore gelo aproyojoniyotar tolay. 
Hoyto kauke atke rakhar moto kichui nei amar. Kharap na kintu. Eo ek obhigyata. Nijer approyojoniyota. Ei shesh hobe gaan ta. Ekta ottonto taan dichhe bhetore....jeno gaan ta shesh hotei amio Shesh. Kothay jabo....kothay pabo....khujchi tai ba ki..............buk er majhtay thanda gorom ekta ki jeno....

Sheshholo gaan. Kokil ta dakhche baire...ami bhabchi. Bhebei cholchi...mathar moddhe gijgij korche koto koto kothin chinta. Hariye jabo? Hariye phelbo nijeke er moddhe?   Bhabte bhabtei amra proyato hobo. 

I dont at all encourage his quote //bhabo bhabo bhaba practice koro//
Manush er jibon shuru hoye bhebe shesh hoye bhabte bhabte
... 
Apni ke amay bolar jonno. Ami toh protiniyoto bhebei cholechi....bhabnar tolay chepe jaowa manush amra, bhabnar bhire lukiye thaka manush.
....
Ei re Hariye gelam 

5.4.20.

420

often I feel be the numen of my window get me a stage and burn me at stake but wait, can I tear myself apart one last time, you arrive, in y...