often I feel be the numen of my window

get me a stage and burn me at stake

but wait, can I tear myself apart

one last time, you arrive, in your flesh and bones

still looking the same to me

I take a walk with you to the end of the road

in the garden of words and flowers of rhythm 

get on this rollercoaster, a journey of a lifetime

but the ashes and raindrops still look the same

sorrow looks in my eye and laughs

a mean laugh

sorrow takes over my mind

like an easy target

suddenly I don't remember you

I sit alone,

inanimate, yet bold;

ankle-deep in agony

suddenly

I don't remember you

but I still write about you

about your holy love

if I am a museum 

you are the Corinthian columns 

you are the artwork

and the great silence

the gentle whisper

suddenly

I don't remember you.

the girl in the white dress 

looks at me

 and I die a little 

she plays with her fingers 

tapping on mine. 

if I knew music 

I would've taken down the notes 

the girl in the white dress 

looks as clean as blood 

on my face when I cry 

she dances around like 

it's my funeral in her mind 

I wait for her, exhausted 

weary, out of breath. 

the girl in the white dress 

ruins my world 

and I'm standing afar 

watching it burn happily, 

in the hands of her

now take me home 

to the end of the world.

of poets and paradise

there is a window in your eyes 

where I am locked up 

bathing in the gentle flow of the tears 

every night when silence takes over 

I hear you calling out my name 

I hear the words you don't utter 

and the songs that you don't play 

you touch me like you are turning a page 

of the book laid out, chapters of shame and fear 

and I will adore you still, till death takes over 

i stand in the cold 

reading the autumn's ode 

another spiteful day passes away 

and we talk 

our incredibly intellectually stimulating conversations 

your Alex Turner-esque face 

the fucking gluten-intake

the insignificant yet somehow intense moments 

of today 

and yesterday 

and tomorrow.

the night i fell like rain on your face

we had a house of the giggling crying, and the shouting lot

the coarse cuss and voices following our footsteps, 

strolling through the high, droplets on your face. 

why do you keep asking me to slow down my pace? 

the tether, the feather, and the familiar faces of a couple hundred 

could not stop me from defying the gravity in my mind. 

we lie, soaked in thoughts and the deal of the day 

ask your dreary questions, but I beg you to pave the way. 

you put our arms above your head, the air sighs out loud 

and I feel myself vaporize away, under your drowsy breath. 

there was something about that night I fell like rain 

onto your lap, the night I saw my sanity get slain. 

I put half of myself on the platter, served with ice and tonic, 

and you, lying on the shelf, gave me your most certain dubious look, 

your stoic smile piercing through the end in an unexpected wave. 

how can I ignore your gentle eyes who beg me not to behave? 

three twenty-nine lines of a lover's complaint cannot undo my grief 

nor the fingertips wandering on my skin, all through the ride. 

give me a stage, and I will give you a hundred poems to your name. 

but in the meantime, just hand me some antiseptic for the maim. 

the rain is a vagrant who stops for a moment on your face, adoring; 

yet another cigarette, exhausting ages in a matter of a minute. 

there was something about that night I fell like rain, 

your wandering hand on my chest and the drugs in my brain. 

It's the artifice of the hour, so temporary, like you and me 

waiting for you, and the tree of fruits and green and branches. 

hot wet blood on my face, yours adorned with the warm calm rain 

I know when you leave, I'll be left graceless, sick, and insane. 

the preliminary kisses and cream, all the shine all the rust 

that's gathered on the inside, tell me all the things you wanna do. 

all solemn and sincere, we lie on the table and make things up 

focused on fiction, we surrender to the grief that's stored in the cup. 

now it's been a year or two, maybe three; let's say four, for sure 

the temper like a permanent scar around my neck couldn't explain 

exactly what it was about the night I fell like rain 

i swear I'll jump off as soon as i see the moon wain

collapsed faith

The heart hung

On the wall

It slowly chipped out

Day, by day

Tormented,

Exhausted,

The heart cried out

Moss ate through the heart

Like the rust

That eats away the metal

No one notices

The pain

The remorse

The excruciating agony

Running

Through the veins

Just like

The poison

Running through

The blood

The spasming heart

Is waiting

To burst

Then maybe⁢

It will become

Painless

Painless

Painless

cellotaped heart

The sky is crying

And I

Am holding your hand

Walking miles

I am crushed

By remorse

And cant even

Hold the umbrella up

And I let it go

The yellow umbrella

Danced,

Flew away

Along the street

You smile

At me

Rain drenched us

To the core

And we stood still

With our

Bare, naked souls

To the show

Teary eyes met

And I fell

In love

Like the falling rain.

this is love

come back, ashitaka

I paint a picture of you with my fantasies

Your indistinguishable face, 

I can find you in the crowd 

Words make it from your lips onto mine

As you never look into my eyes 

Forgetting all the days we seemed fine

Ive never waited neither will i 

Hope to hold your hands by the next spring

Remember the rain drenching your morbid mind 

Remember the words of the track

"And I'd give up forever to touch you"

You sing the song of despair

Incapable of feeling the words 

Funny how you leave me the same as you

This vicious cycle of the heartbroken

Welcoming me to be one of them

The hollowed out skin and bones

Leaving behind the distractions they call out for

Feelings that haunt us in our sleep

Yet again i paint a picture of you

Struggling to capture your ragged beauty

That catches my eye everytime

I'll never miss out on the details

Of your eyes, guileless onyx

And the wind playing with your hair

I paint you with all the life that's left 

I paint you with all the love that's gone

my lazuras

It stays put in my mind

And the pills and smoke 

Filling the gap

It stays abate

And i know what will happen

A loser

 A faliure

A waste of God's creation

Sleep

Them men

Them nails

Sticking out of my body

Eats out my aid to myself

Look at me

Browse through 

Tell me your findings 

Let me know

What im made of

Today

I dont see the Moon anymore

Nor the sun shines on my face

I die

All through the day

I die

When i look at the night sky

I die

Nine times

Save me LaZuRuS

For im at my ninth time

The cat is dead

And so am i

jigsaw

He was never really there

You know just like the sorrys

And the 52 missed calls that hung like tapestry

And his rebukes like a noose disguised as necklace

The drinks got stronger and I got weaker

And I'll listen to Cigarettes after Sex crying

To Each time you fall in love

Because the flashbacks never stop haunting

Where we're sitting on the rooftop

2 a.m., higher than the our ego

Floating in the delusion of my favourite mistake

Got drunk and got naked infront of you

But you never broke down, telling me how you really feel 

Now I'm afraid of your face and it's lines

And the language of your eyes that talk to me

We were like the bitter truth and bad timing 

I screamed out loud when your head was in the water

Getting away from the pain they gave you

That's pain you know

You never get rid of pain, you just pass it on

Now I making memories with others and suffering

Looking for pieces of you  everywhere, all the time

Like those of a puzzle, yet to complete

SS

lies and butterflies

Sometimes you need not

be honest.

Sometimes break my heart 

Feed me the lie.

Make me sad

Ive got no where to go.

Youre my home.

I'll be happy with the broken promises

I'll be satisfied with my momentary happiness

I'll try 

To be happy

I'll try to make you happy. 

Sometimes you can just make me a bit happy

Show a little effort

Look into the eyes.

The dull eyes searching

For food for the soul

Look into

Look

Look into

Look into the mind

Mind that's not Plath

Nor old Hemmingway 

It's me calling you out

Failing to live

Its me

 

psychedelic rock and a thirst that comes and goes.

Kothay chilo gohon praan e

Gopon byatha gopon gaan e

This line keeps coming back to my  mind on its own. Maybe  some ages ago i had some bond with this song.   

Koto he gopon gaan...eto gaan shuniyechi tomay, mone pore....  

Ekhon  kaan e purple haze cholche ebong ami onnoi ek jogote. Kirom ekta anubhuti, jeno shob thik hoye geche...koi pandemic, koi amar retest, kothay depression and the pain that comes with  the the frequent thoughts of hurting myself. Barite bole negativity komao. Ami boli anay banchte dao. Ki dosh korechi shokol e ja kore tai korechi....

Mone pore gelo tar callertune chilo hendrix er voodoo child. Sheo chole gelo. Nijer jonno ki kore bancho ektu bole din toh. Koto smriti r bhaar e chapa pore gelo aproyojoniyotar tolay. 

Hoyto kauke atke rakhar moto kichui nei amar. Kharap na kintu. Eo ek obhigyata. Nijer approyojoniyota. Ei shesh hobe gaan ta. Ekta ottonto taan dichhe bhetore....jeno gaan ta shesh hotei amio Shesh. Kothay jabo....kothay pabo....khujchi tai ba ki..............buk er majhtay thanda gorom ekta ki jeno....

Sheshholo gaan. Kokil ta dakhche baire...ami bhabchi. Bhebei cholchi...mathar moddhe gijgij korche koto koto kothin chinta. Hariye jabo? Hariye phelbo nijeke er moddhe?   Bhabte bhabtei amra proyato hobo. 

I dont at all encourage his quote //bhabo bhabo bhaba practice koro//

Manush er jibon shuru hoye bhebe shesh hoye bhabte bhabte

... 

Apni ke amay bolar jonno. Ami toh protiniyoto bhebei cholechi....bhabnar tolay chepe jaowa manush amra, bhabnar bhire lukiye thaka manush.

....

Ei re Hariye gelam 

5.4.20.

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